My Favorite Lawyer Jokes

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer...Twice.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton

Have you heard about the attorney who meets with a client and demands a $1,000 retainer?
The client hands him an envelope supposedly containing the retainer.
After the client leaves, the attorney opens the envelope and discovers $2,000 in cash.
This poses an ethical problem for the attorney: "Do I tell my partner?"

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

The Deaf Bookkeeper

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." Using sign language, the lawyer asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the cajones to pull the trigger."

When Engineers Go To Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back, or Ill sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A lawyer goes to heaven

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

Lawyers and assholes

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

Lawyers and priests

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.
A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.
At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.
Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, my son. I got him with my door."

A Lawyer feeding poor people

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????